I can tell

It was one of these days I left behind. But one of these days took joy and happiness away from me, and anything it left was this sadness I nearly drowned in. But I want to survive.
Rape is an ugly word everybody knows. You do not know what having been raped actually means ? I am going to tell you …

During the first days you will be shocked and unable to believe that this has really happened. Everybody wants you to describe the incident, wants you to explain what went wrong. They will penetrate your soul and question you about your feelings. This will be the second time you become a victim because you do not even understand these feelings yourself. Shaken and confused the only thing you are certain of is the fact that you are filled with fear and mistrust. You will loose faith in your friends, you are going to believe that they are involved. Besides you will not have to think about other things as you will not be able to understand them. But you will die with shame.

Soon you will become professional in telling your story. You will repeat it again and again until it begins to seem unreal. After some time it will sound as if it has not happened and has just been mere fiction. You will tell it your relatives, your friends after having reported it to the police, to your lawyer and to the doctors. At night you cannot sleep, nightmares come. When day is light, you will try to forget but on the other hand fight against helpers who appear as enemies. When night is dark, you will feel lonely although.

Then when you realize that you are not playing a weird game and this really is your own life, hate and anger will come. Dreams of revenge knowing that it would not make it better. You will begin to hate your own weakness, feelings mostly faint. You can trust me, the ones who want to help you are helpless themselves. They do not know what to say, how to help.
Next comes self-assuring shame. You will remember that your body reacted in a way it usually does when you enjoy having sex. You think over why you could not enjoying sex throughout the last months. It does not make sense. Someone will tell you that bodies work with hormones and it is the endorphines which make you wet and this can be caused by lust or fear. Although you know it you will still feel ashamed.
After you will quit disavowing you had become a victim, you also feel ashamed for that, of course. And you will keep on surreptitious finding a reason for that. If you were guilty, you would be able to avoid malpractice next time. Your heart cannot believe what your brain teaches it. But you know that you have had no choice, you are not guilty but powerlessness.

Trust in me, one of the coming days will bring back joy and happiness. All you have to do is look forward and say hello to the new morning.

© Ingo S. Anders